Haiz..

So many things happened recently.. sort of i cannot catch up with my breath.. sort of feeling to runaway from everything. I wants to take a break, after it then think how to clean up the mess. hahaha.. sound like this time round i had made a big mess..

The biggest that i made till now, might be the decision to go hk with my cousins they all. Maybe that incidents screwed up our relationship. Trying to runaway from problems, that is something that i am good at.

This time round, i am pretty surprise that i am quite strong. Or because everything happened too fast till i dunno how to react.

Guess this time round, i can write a long long story.. From young i used to go that place around this period of time. I will go there worship my grandfather. Now when i go there, feelings is so different. Seeing how sad is my cousins, i dunno wat to say. i been very stone there, so scare that i will say something wrong again. i dunno how to react, things kept floating in my mind. At the moment, my granny float in my mind. In a selfish thinking, i did asked why heaven don't swap the sequence. i think my granny will not be able to take it. She miss my uncle so much, if now she knows that he had passed away. This is going to be a very big blow to her. Now, all the siblings are so sad about this incident. My aunt even worst, she is alone in aus with her family. Now she knew about my uncle incident, she linked it with her son incident. Haiz.. I hopes July bonus is good, maybe i should take my mum for a holiday break. Maybe this time round, i will consider perth. We shall go there and visit my aunt's family. This been a very big blow to my cousin but i admire her courage and strong. Luckily they found someone who loves them a lot, will take care of them. Otherwise, i can't imagine wat will happen. My aunt been very steady, trying to settle everything by herself. Although granny always tell me, hw my aunt dun like her. I think my aunt also hate me, the stare that she gave me during these few days, i dunno wat to say. Especially the last day, the stare is scary.

I know why she hates me. From young, all bcos of my granny and my mum, i managed to go holiday trips during school holiday. My uncle brought me to bali, cameron highland, genting, cruise to penang.. He did a lot to help my family. When i am young, i owe a lot to mother's side. without them, i will not have all those memories.

My first roller coaster ride .. when i first learn how to cycle.. go pulau ubin explore.. hahaa.. all these memories are given by him.. if u asked me his gone, is it a big blow to me also? Yes, i regret i nvr cherish it. Bcos of the hk incident, i been escaping not to go my uncle's house. only till last yr, when i knew he was sicked,i went down with my mum to see him. He was very weak at that moment.. i am very useles.. whenever i hit any difficulties, i keep trying to runaway from it. During the funeral, i told my uncle, i will look after my granny. Now, i will try to spend more time with her, at least she dun feel so empty.

If one day,i lose her, what will happen to me? I also dunno. Collapse? Went Crazy? Get myself drunk? Or swallow down all my tears?

Complicated Feelings

这几天，我去了红白喜事。。 去了红事，让我想嫁可是我还没遇到那个人。。 其实我曾经很爱他，我想过嫁给他。我不可能为了他一直停留在六年前。哈哈， 我一向来都不喜欢输，因为我来不及先说出口，所以我输了。我并不是很爱你，只是是我错，我心里有了那个遗憾，让我那么难受。。

白事让我想起了我公公和外婆。。 但我公公被火化时，我想起小时候，他疼我的时候。小时候妈妈和爸爸都没有空时，是他带我回家，煮饭给我吃。公公煮的炸鸡翅膀最好吃了。每当星期五时，他都会载我去我党姐家带她们来他家住。

外婆，她给我的回忆是我永远都忘不了的。她很疼我， 我可以说她每个人都很疼。当爸爸生病时，是她陪在我跟妈妈身别，照顾我们母女。 when i have chicken pox, she will be telling my mother what are the rules and asked me to follow them. She told me not to look into the mirror and i cannot meet up with any people. My gd friend came over and visit me and keep me accompany thru the days. The older i am, i started to doubt i will be so fortunate ma?

If one day, she pass away, will i be as strong as my friend? Or i will just collapse? Or i already been through one round, so this round shouldn't affect me that bad? But my relationship with her is stronger than my grandfather a lot more. She did a lot of things for me before. i always think that in this world.. nobody else will care for me as much as her.. hahaa.. maybe if one day she pass away, i dun think i am as lucky as my friend.. have so many pple standby her. being very selfish, i hopes my granny tat she will pass away soon. seeing her under so much pain, it hurts me badly. she is so old already, why do she still have to suffer so much? when i am ard 13, she suffers from Rheumatism.. only till last yr, she fell down.. her condition got deteriorate faster than i expected.. at first, i wished that she will live till the day i get marry. now,i wish heaven will let her go.. why.. u let her suffer so much pain.. ytd she was asking me.. will they come and visit her? she misses her kids and grandchildren.. but none of them visiting her often.. i understand the adults all are weak and sick.. wat abt her grandchildren? really nobody wants to care abt her? i feel is so saddening... she gt viral infection at her eyes.. she hardly see well now.. is so painful but she jus keep quiet.. don't even mention anything about it.. the stronger i see her.. the more i must learn..