It had been quite a while

Yesterday morning, i had a nightmare that scare me out of my bed in the morning. Although i suppose to meet my friend in the morning for breakfast and helped him to settle some study stuffs, ended up i push the meeting from 9.30am to 10.30am. A few years ago, these two persons who i saw in my nightmare were the most important people in my life. But at this moment, they are no longer important to me. Or rather i should say that i am no longer important to them. Everyone leading a good life now, why should i still look backward about what had happened? Or is a hint telling me something not good going to happen? Recently, i had slow down my pace at work. What happened to me? Somehow, i lose my motivation and passion at work, i no longer worked that hard. But yet i am afraid i will lose my job. Without a job, i guess i will no longer be able to provide for the homes money for my mum nor be able to survive through. I start with a pathetic pay in 2005, yet at this moment, my pay is still not fantastic but i still cannot be able to survive through with what i had now. What happened to me, last time i can barely survive with that amount yet now i can't? Because of the bad economy or inflation or i had started to look at stuffs that are much more expensive? Maybe i know even at the end of the year, i will still not be able to meet my boss's expectation to get promote. No matter how hard i try to work, i will never be able to get recognize by my bosses. What is the point of working so hard? Maybe i am stupid, so i need to work harder to get a 3 as compare to others. Or i had limitation using in my language for communication. I guess i need to buck up on my english vocabulary in order to push me up for the promotion. As for relationship wise, i don't dare to think too far. I had been out of love for quite a long period of time. I don't even know what is the feeling to be in love again. Now i only want a peaceful life, i will know i will lonely at a time when my parents left me but this is parts and parcel of life. now i am contented to live under the care and love shower by my parents. Somehow, love and career doesn't work well for me at this moment. But i will try harder to make my career work. While for love, nothing can be force. Opps, somehow i am disappointed that such a good catch is already taken. But too bad, i am not someone who will approach first. haha.. even if i will make the first move, don't think he will like me also. hahaha.. when will an ugly ducking turn to be a swan? that will only appear in fairy tale. I should concentrate to be a career woman instead of thinking so much. As for my granny, she is still the same. Sounds contradicting but somehow i still wish i can meet the correct one and bring him to show her. I hope she will be able to see that day before she leave me. Ah ma, without you, i will never be able to be who i am now. I am grateful to you, without your love, i guess i will be a different person and head a different path.