Xmas eve till now........

Since xmas eve till now, my heart had not been peaceful but sort of getting better? After the incident, sort of been hiding myself. I wanted to do more, if we sent her to hospital, we can save her? Before CNY, i went to her grave, cried and told her i will take good care of my parents. From that day onwards, my heart become more peaceful. I started to accept the fact that she had gone. She had gone for the good. She do not need to suffer in nursing homes, don't need to suffer the pain from bedsore, don't need to suffer the pain and many more. It had been a habit for me to go visit her every sunday, if possible. During the period, she was in the crisis, my work is pile up like mad. Most of the time, i had to go back to work on sunday, i had spent little time with her. But i tried to visit her every day after work if i can. Seriously, i have no regret but i had one regret is that i never accompanied her to walk til the end of her life. I saw her before she left me, but deep in my heart, when i was on the way home. I told myself "Ah ma, i bring you home now". Does it means that i actually know that she is leaving me that night but i never said it out? She been wanting to back home, that is her last wish, did she come back home with me that day? I do hope she followed me home on that day, so that she can happily go without any worries. From young, i am a rebellious granddaughter. Every weekend, she will buy food for us. I will always throw my tantrum if the food is not nice or too cold. She had never scolded me before for that. She still continue to buy food for me, shower me with love and care. When my dad was in hospital, she accompanied me and my mum for the tough times. If without her, how can be possible, i can go travelling when i am young. When i throw my temper, i locked myself in the room. My poor ah ma will have to sleep at the sofa, but she will not knock at my door. She will till i tell her to go sleep. Bcos of her love and care, i changed as i grow. She always will nag at me but i know she did it for my good. Ah ma, i miss your nagging.. i miss hugging you to look at the scenery. i miss you a lot...... but i know you will be happier at the other side.