Haiz..

So many things happened recently.. sort of i cannot catch up with my breath.. sort of feeling to runaway from everything. I wants to take a break, after it then think how to clean up the mess. hahaha.. sound like this time round i had made a big mess..

The biggest that i made till now, might be the decision to go hk with my cousins they all. Maybe that incidents screwed up our relationship. Trying to runaway from problems, that is something that i am good at.

This time round, i am pretty surprise that i am quite strong. Or because everything happened too fast till i dunno how to react.

Guess this time round, i can write a long long story.. From young i used to go that place around this period of time. I will go there worship my grandfather. Now when i go there, feelings is so different. Seeing how sad is my cousins, i dunno wat to say. i been very stone there, so scare that i will say something wrong again. i dunno how to react, things kept floating in my mind. At the moment, my granny float in my mind. In a selfish thinking, i did asked why heaven don't swap the sequence. i think my granny will not be able to take it. She miss my uncle so much, if now she knows that he had passed away. This is going to be a very big blow to her. Now, all the siblings are so sad about this incident. My aunt even worst, she is alone in aus with her family. Now she knew about my uncle incident, she linked it with her son incident. Haiz.. I hopes July bonus is good, maybe i should take my mum for a holiday break. Maybe this time round, i will consider perth. We shall go there and visit my aunt's family. This been a very big blow to my cousin but i admire her courage and strong. Luckily they found someone who loves them a lot, will take care of them. Otherwise, i can't imagine wat will happen. My aunt been very steady, trying to settle everything by herself. Although granny always tell me, hw my aunt dun like her. I think my aunt also hate me, the stare that she gave me during these few days, i dunno wat to say. Especially the last day, the stare is scary.

I know why she hates me. From young, all bcos of my granny and my mum, i managed to go holiday trips during school holiday. My uncle brought me to bali, cameron highland, genting, cruise to penang.. He did a lot to help my family. When i am young, i owe a lot to mother's side. without them, i will not have all those memories.

My first roller coaster ride .. when i first learn how to cycle.. go pulau ubin explore.. hahaa.. all these memories are given by him.. if u asked me his gone, is it a big blow to me also? Yes, i regret i nvr cherish it. Bcos of the hk incident, i been escaping not to go my uncle's house. only till last yr, when i knew he was sicked,i went down with my mum to see him. He was very weak at that moment.. i am very useles.. whenever i hit any difficulties, i keep trying to runaway from it. During the funeral, i told my uncle, i will look after my granny. Now, i will try to spend more time with her, at least she dun feel so empty.

If one day,i lose her, what will happen to me? I also dunno. Collapse? Went Crazy? Get myself drunk? Or swallow down all my tears?