Lost~

Last sat when my friends started to ask me "List out ur future bf's characters", we will help u to keep a lookout. Sort of my mind become blank, somehow i really dunno how to answer to this question. I took quite long to answer this question. I didn't really think of what i want in a guy. Somehow i know that i am unlikely to find the right guy again. the characters list out are all the good points that i met in my ex bfs. seriously, maybe i am out of love for too long. I nvr tot of this question; nowadays i normally lean towards my good friends when i am down. But i know now i shouldn't lead on them too much, as both of them are attached. I should sort of find my own my life, instead of always relying on them. After that dinner, i met another group of friends. But this gathering didn't end of up well. Maybe being friends for too long, i dunno how to cherish friends? Or i cannot get along well with friends? since we nvr contacted for that past 3 yrs, i still can led my life pretty well. i believe that this time should be ok ba? She reminds me about how i screw up my friendship with my kor. hahahaa.. seriously kor treats me better than she treats me. Kor had been there for me whenever i need him except during the period he left me. "He" really give me a very impact; sort of when he leave me, my world is like collapsing, ever since, i start to build my wall to protect myself. That period i had a really tough time to hang on to it, especially my work was damn screwed up. the only ones that i leaned on were my sisters. Maybe without them, i will not be that independent till now. She had not know i survived through that 3 yrs. The worst thing is that we angry with me because i nvr become her referral. While my kor angry with me is because i never helped him to find jobs. Haha, maybe at the back of it, they didn't know i did try to help them but they jus don't want to listen it. anyway, all of us shall move, maybe one day we meet on each other on the streets, each of us will just turn around and walk the other way.

complicated

Sometimes What you want, and when you get it. You will realize that it is nothing. This year I encounter that my beloved granny n my mum admitted hospital. He been there accompany me... but it will be no ending between us, i know we are just friends.. somehow seems like i know that my heart is not clear, i doesn't seems to understand what is love. maybe the person who i love already hurt me till too deep or maybe he still have a place in my heart. but anyway if u asked me if i still remember how he looks like? i couldn't remember it at all. Anyway he is already married, it should be very happy now. i should start my happy life, should not be stopping at my that point. between who and who, i started to get confuse, now just like everything be normal, i dun want to recall anything nor remember what happened that night. ytd, someone hold my hands, but surprisingly i never push away.

I don't feel good; guess i fall sick again..

1 month ago, when i went to old folk home to visit my granny. While she was talking to us, she yawned, we asked if she wants to go up to rest. She insists of not going up to rest and stayed with us. After 5 mins, she went to unconscious. I am stunned, i faster ran up to find nurse for help. We immediately pushed upstair and nurses put on oxygen for her, she was awake but very weak. By then, my uncle already break into tears. Now then i realise life is just a thin line. From young, she always take very good care of me. I couldn't manage to get her out of old folks home. Now i going to see her slowly going to leave me. My heart is breaking, by then i realise wat he hurt me is no longer that painful. Is the tot of she leaving me is more painful, but i know i need to face the facts. Dunno if i am being too negative, but somehow i sense that she is going to leave me soon. Ah ma, wo zhen de heng ai ni. xie xie ni pei le wo na me duo nian.

Recently

Recently, things doesn't really go tat right again. Seem like this year, is a not a good year for me. Things just happen one after one. Somehow before I go tw, I want to ensure that my parents can survive well and take gd care of themselves while I am away home for 11 days. Maybe bcos of my bad experience in hk, some of sort of I am Quite afraid of going oversea with friends yet I want to try how it feel to go with friends. With friends, u will have the freedom of buy Wat without someone nagging at u. Yet if u go with mummy, u will have to be a big girl Looking after her. Hopefully I will not screw up this 10 yrs of friendship. Maybe I am a person who is hard to get along? Haiz... At work wise, nothing seems to be right.. Hahaha.. I can sense tat me and my colleagues actually drift further. Hahaha.. Time to find another job? Seems tat this pay can no longer support Wat I need. So maybe I should look for something else tat can offer me better As for relationship wise, I heard that he gt married recently. I am Happy for him, that he gt married. It been like more than 6 yrs, Hw can I haven forget a person yet. At tat point, when I heard tat he gt married. I start to recall how nice is to me. Maybe bcos in ugly duckling life, she dun have such a guy who look after her before? No any other guys treat her tat well, so even though she knows tat he dun love her at all. She dragged a 3 yrs ties with him.. Mayb tat's why after I heard the news, I did depress for quite sometime.. Maybe brothers they all had replaced him and Justin's position in my heart. But I will nvr forget their kindness towards me. As for home wise, granny been wanting to go home. Haiz... Hopefully she can understand that not we don't want to brim her home. Is we cannot look after her at home. Sometimes life is tat cruel. When u want to go, yet the heaven want u to stay. Sometime seeing the poor ladies, I was thinking why not let them go. But if I let her go, my heart will be into pieces. Such a big dilemma. Haiz.. Why things just work the way they Used to be? Sometimes maybe to be a kid is better than to be an adult.

It had been quite a while

Yesterday morning, i had a nightmare that scare me out of my bed in the morning. Although i suppose to meet my friend in the morning for breakfast and helped him to settle some study stuffs, ended up i push the meeting from 9.30am to 10.30am. A few years ago, these two persons who i saw in my nightmare were the most important people in my life. But at this moment, they are no longer important to me. Or rather i should say that i am no longer important to them. Everyone leading a good life now, why should i still look backward about what had happened? Or is a hint telling me something not good going to happen? Recently, i had slow down my pace at work. What happened to me? Somehow, i lose my motivation and passion at work, i no longer worked that hard. But yet i am afraid i will lose my job. Without a job, i guess i will no longer be able to provide for the homes money for my mum nor be able to survive through. I start with a pathetic pay in 2005, yet at this moment, my pay is still not fantastic but i still cannot be able to survive through with what i had now. What happened to me, last time i can barely survive with that amount yet now i can't? Because of the bad economy or inflation or i had started to look at stuffs that are much more expensive? Maybe i know even at the end of the year, i will still not be able to meet my boss's expectation to get promote. No matter how hard i try to work, i will never be able to get recognize by my bosses. What is the point of working so hard? Maybe i am stupid, so i need to work harder to get a 3 as compare to others. Or i had limitation using in my language for communication. I guess i need to buck up on my english vocabulary in order to push me up for the promotion. As for relationship wise, i don't dare to think too far. I had been out of love for quite a long period of time. I don't even know what is the feeling to be in love again. Now i only want a peaceful life, i will know i will lonely at a time when my parents left me but this is parts and parcel of life. now i am contented to live under the care and love shower by my parents. Somehow, love and career doesn't work well for me at this moment. But i will try harder to make my career work. While for love, nothing can be force. Opps, somehow i am disappointed that such a good catch is already taken. But too bad, i am not someone who will approach first. haha.. even if i will make the first move, don't think he will like me also. hahaha.. when will an ugly ducking turn to be a swan? that will only appear in fairy tale. I should concentrate to be a career woman instead of thinking so much. As for my granny, she is still the same. Sounds contradicting but somehow i still wish i can meet the correct one and bring him to show her. I hope she will be able to see that day before she leave me. Ah ma, without you, i will never be able to be who i am now. I am grateful to you, without your love, i guess i will be a different person and head a different path.

My tears rolled down last nite

After so long, I had lost contact with k... This is the first time someone makes me cry... Should I be happy or should I be sad.. K had no longer had a place in my heart.. Somehow this person had slowly taken over his place, jus tat I did not notice it? Bcos he had been always there for me... Or I am jus being emotional.. Seems like I need to siam him far far away... I dun wan to get hurt... Since I know this is going to be a no ending road, why should I still continue.. Sometimes friend is still a friend.. Dun ever mix up a friend with a lover... friend is friend.... lover is lover... Maybe if Ytd nite, I dun meet up with him... At least I won't feel so bad ba? I think this time round, I had hide it away till very good... My tears only roll down when I reached hm and hide in the room... Luckily it didn't last me tat long ba... Maybe i will take a shorten time to forget him than I used to forget k?

Last nite I was telling my friend, maybe I go tw.. I will create a miracle, find a tw Bf bacK.. At least that will
Be the confirm ending between us.. he can busy entertain her... I can keep
Myself busy accompany my Bf... Then at least my feelings toward should be able to
Fade it as time passby.....

Jealousy? Or being kpo?

Sort of I feeling very angry abt last nite... So long I nvr had this kind of feeling again on the same guy... This is crazy... Is it bcos I too concern for this friend or I fall in love with this guy? Do I bother? I am very shy towards my relationship.. But sort of nowadays I slightly dare to admit a bit.. When my friend asked me a question who I will choose.. I told
Them a name.. Hahaha.. Guess they will stun too.. Of course I will want to find a guy who will dotes me and shower me with love and care... I am like a baby.. I think I am a very easily contented woman..

This Yr, I went to fortune teller regarding abt two matters, one of them is regarding about work, while
Another one is abt relationship. She told me I dun have any special feelings with them.. I think maybe she wants to indirectly tell
Me they will not be interested in me.. Otherwise I won't feel tat uncomfortable. I sort of had a quarrel with one
Of them last nite, and I jus walk off with my friend.. I still tot my friends they all will
Mistaken my relationship with her.. But none of them
Asked.. Neither did he SMS me anythig regarding abt last nite... Hahaha.. Being concern as friend, I asked him to
Go.. Dun drink le.. Yet he dun even bother.. Then i just walked off... Why should I still stand there being kpo.. Furthermore, I also gt a curfew to keep..

Guess is time to keep myself away frm these two friends.. After next sat's birthday celebration, I must Siam
Liao.. I dun mix up my feeling with neither one of them.. Otherwise I will be so dead.. Or I jus dun want to get myself hurt.. Anyway they jus treat me as friend.. Why should I care and bother so much?

Career Woman or ??

Erm... Am i a career woman? Actually i am not but i know i must find ways to try to improve my pay. Otherwise how can i afford to support my parents. Seriously started to feel so scary as my parents growing older each day. Do i have enough money for them if they are hospitalise? Do i have enough money if my dad retired? Do i have enough money if one day my parents need to stay in nursing home? There is nothing the government can do for us. All the bills are increasing tremendously high. If i have a normal pay person, i can't support my parents.

Hahaha :D

Kekeke... I had sort of my tots.. Lalala.. Tat kind of feelings I had for him is superficial... Otherwise next wk complimentary movie tickets, I will ask him to accompany me to attend.. Hahaha... Instead of him, I had asked a friend to accompany me to watch it with me.. Hahahaha...

Sometimes friend will just maintain as friends...

CRAZY

I had a breakdown in office on monday, at first i thought i will be able to stay in my current company till i retired but guess now this option is not in my list. Walk out of the meeting room, will cause me to lose a chance for promotion or i will always be a developer. Forever staying a developer will makes my pay remain the same. Nothing changes. Haiz.. Seems like after bonus, i will have to find another job.

As for at home, nothing changes much, nowadays i will be spending more time with my cousins and at home. What happened recently shocked all of us. Even my auntie is flying back from aus, normally she will only come back a few yrs. Nowadays she flew back quite often. haiz~~ life is short, should learn to cherish things. cos u will nvr wat happened next.

As for relationship, hahahaa.. i also dunno.. is it bcos i feeling low, that's why i gt this kind of feelings. Tat day, seriously i not drunk before i head to st james. maybe just high ba... wahahaha.. :D i trying to pull his hand and another girl hand together.. hahaha... if one day they hand in hand together, i also dunno maybe i will feel happy for him or ...................i will not let my relationship ended hw my previous relation ended. Most likely, i will stand away, wait till i am more clear minded. hahahaa, base on that day, if he drove me home instead of st james, i will love this person.. hahaha.. but he drove me to st james, which means i am nothing to him... hahaha... find a way to forget him ba..

ytd, i went out with my cousins they all. My aunt looks very stone and very sian. Within 3 wks, you lost a brother and husband, nobody will understand how she felt. She is just trying to act strong in front of everyone of us. Cos she needs to take care of 2 kids. Will i encounter 3 adults cried in my aunt's hotel room later? haiz~~~

The most scarily month that i ever had in my life

3 weeks after my uncle's funeral, we stepped into another funeral. Can't imagine that is happening to us again. The families getting smaller and smaller. People just go like this. My uncle been staying at NUH for 8 or 9 days. The last two days, he admitted to ICU. First time, i stepped into ICU, seeing how people struggle their life to survive. This time round, is so sudden. Last sunday, i went to see him with my mum. He was still ok, he still smile at me. This week, i am attending his funeral. Looks like is a joke or a drama in life. How can be possible one by one just left us within a month. Seriously i doubt i can take another blow so soon. Hahaha, that day my granny was still telling me, she wants to go. Cos her eyes are very painful. Now i really dunno how to react. If 3 weeks down the road, i going to attend funeral again. I doubt i will have the stamina to survive through, maybe i should say thanks to someone. Maybe without him training me to be that strong, i doubt i will be that strong. Now wat i can do is to look after my the families.

Seriously, i really doubt the standard that hospital provides. How can a small wound become so serious? How can a small wound become a killer? How a small wound become heart attack? If the doctors start to cure his leg first before asking him to go for this and that scan, maybe things will not be that serious?

Just now i saw my cousin, looking at her graduation photo and stone. I felt so sad.

I started to look back at my life, i feel that the most happiest birthday that i ever had is on my 21th birthday where everyone are there to celebrate with me.. Such a pity that i never took photos.

My auntie and uncle are actually my godmother and godfather.

lao tian ye.. pls.............

Haiz..

So many things happened recently.. sort of i cannot catch up with my breath.. sort of feeling to runaway from everything. I wants to take a break, after it then think how to clean up the mess. hahaha.. sound like this time round i had made a big mess..

The biggest that i made till now, might be the decision to go hk with my cousins they all. Maybe that incidents screwed up our relationship. Trying to runaway from problems, that is something that i am good at.

This time round, i am pretty surprise that i am quite strong. Or because everything happened too fast till i dunno how to react.

Guess this time round, i can write a long long story.. From young i used to go that place around this period of time. I will go there worship my grandfather. Now when i go there, feelings is so different. Seeing how sad is my cousins, i dunno wat to say. i been very stone there, so scare that i will say something wrong again. i dunno how to react, things kept floating in my mind. At the moment, my granny float in my mind. In a selfish thinking, i did asked why heaven don't swap the sequence. i think my granny will not be able to take it. She miss my uncle so much, if now she knows that he had passed away. This is going to be a very big blow to her. Now, all the siblings are so sad about this incident. My aunt even worst, she is alone in aus with her family. Now she knew about my uncle incident, she linked it with her son incident. Haiz.. I hopes July bonus is good, maybe i should take my mum for a holiday break. Maybe this time round, i will consider perth. We shall go there and visit my aunt's family. This been a very big blow to my cousin but i admire her courage and strong. Luckily they found someone who loves them a lot, will take care of them. Otherwise, i can't imagine wat will happen. My aunt been very steady, trying to settle everything by herself. Although granny always tell me, hw my aunt dun like her. I think my aunt also hate me, the stare that she gave me during these few days, i dunno wat to say. Especially the last day, the stare is scary.

I know why she hates me. From young, all bcos of my granny and my mum, i managed to go holiday trips during school holiday. My uncle brought me to bali, cameron highland, genting, cruise to penang.. He did a lot to help my family. When i am young, i owe a lot to mother's side. without them, i will not have all those memories.

My first roller coaster ride .. when i first learn how to cycle.. go pulau ubin explore.. hahaa.. all these memories are given by him.. if u asked me his gone, is it a big blow to me also? Yes, i regret i nvr cherish it. Bcos of the hk incident, i been escaping not to go my uncle's house. only till last yr, when i knew he was sicked,i went down with my mum to see him. He was very weak at that moment.. i am very useles.. whenever i hit any difficulties, i keep trying to runaway from it. During the funeral, i told my uncle, i will look after my granny. Now, i will try to spend more time with her, at least she dun feel so empty.

If one day,i lose her, what will happen to me? I also dunno. Collapse? Went Crazy? Get myself drunk? Or swallow down all my tears?

Complicated Feelings

这几天，我去了红白喜事。。 去了红事，让我想嫁可是我还没遇到那个人。。 其实我曾经很爱他，我想过嫁给他。我不可能为了他一直停留在六年前。哈哈， 我一向来都不喜欢输，因为我来不及先说出口，所以我输了。我并不是很爱你，只是是我错，我心里有了那个遗憾，让我那么难受。。

白事让我想起了我公公和外婆。。 但我公公被火化时，我想起小时候，他疼我的时候。小时候妈妈和爸爸都没有空时，是他带我回家，煮饭给我吃。公公煮的炸鸡翅膀最好吃了。每当星期五时，他都会载我去我党姐家带她们来他家住。

外婆，她给我的回忆是我永远都忘不了的。她很疼我， 我可以说她每个人都很疼。当爸爸生病时，是她陪在我跟妈妈身别，照顾我们母女。 when i have chicken pox, she will be telling my mother what are the rules and asked me to follow them. She told me not to look into the mirror and i cannot meet up with any people. My gd friend came over and visit me and keep me accompany thru the days. The older i am, i started to doubt i will be so fortunate ma?

If one day, she pass away, will i be as strong as my friend? Or i will just collapse? Or i already been through one round, so this round shouldn't affect me that bad? But my relationship with her is stronger than my grandfather a lot more. She did a lot of things for me before. i always think that in this world.. nobody else will care for me as much as her.. hahaa.. maybe if one day she pass away, i dun think i am as lucky as my friend.. have so many pple standby her. being very selfish, i hopes my granny tat she will pass away soon. seeing her under so much pain, it hurts me badly. she is so old already, why do she still have to suffer so much? when i am ard 13, she suffers from Rheumatism.. only till last yr, she fell down.. her condition got deteriorate faster than i expected.. at first, i wished that she will live till the day i get marry. now,i wish heaven will let her go.. why.. u let her suffer so much pain.. ytd she was asking me.. will they come and visit her? she misses her kids and grandchildren.. but none of them visiting her often.. i understand the adults all are weak and sick.. wat abt her grandchildren? really nobody wants to care abt her? i feel is so saddening... she gt viral infection at her eyes.. she hardly see well now.. is so painful but she jus keep quiet.. don't even mention anything about it.. the stronger i see her.. the more i must learn..

i............

hahaaha... being very childish.. i am very afraid that i will fall in love with my gd friends.. hahaha.. first time being away from home for so many days.. first time i stepped out of airport, the person i saw was not my parents yet is my gd friend.. hahaa.. =D he was waiting for me there which i am very surprise.. hahaa.. seems like i am very happy when i switch on my phone.. i saw his sms.. he asked me whether i reached airport or not.. haahahaa..

as for my the other good friend... when i reached home carpark.. he is already at my house here.. i am so surprise.. hahahaa.. he will reach there earilier than me...

hahahaa.. i can't fall in love with gd friend.. yet i think they too pamper me.. i scare one day.. if they are attached.. i need to get drunk again?

Maybe is time for me to widen my circle of friends.. Hahaha.. Since the fortune teller already tell me that Nt likely I will be able to get
Marry or so call settle down...

New year

Haha.... it had been very long tat I ever spend my Xmas or new year with my gd friends.. Erm.. I think the last time that we spend Xmas together was my last trip to bkk which was like 5 yrs ago when I am still working at my last company... Haaha.. Feeling is really different.. Nw
I started to know Wat kind of feelings I have.. Haaha....

Last year was it a good year for me.. Erm.. I dun think so.. Things wasn't
Tat great.... Maybe the first half year was pretty good but the second half year wa pretty screw up. Haizzzz .... Too many things happening ard.. I think I might need to find another to cover the highly incurred living costs or I had to cut down my extravagant spendthrift attitude.. First step to my success is to stop my spending speed.. Otherwise one day I will end up in debts.. =x

As for work wise, I know I will not have a chance to go for promotion this year.. Haiz.. Everything will be normal ba.. Now is hoping I dun get a very ugly grade for my apa.. If I didn't pass my exam.. Most likely I will have to quit my job.. I dun have the face to stay in the company anymore.. Haiz.. Really pray hard I will be able to get it done over with it.. 1.6k, I can pay for 7 mths of my granny nursing home charges..

As for relationship wise... Hahaha.. At the current moment, I haven't
Met the correct one.. Last wk, I went to fortune teller.. Haha.. So stupid.. But I believe wat she said... Naive? Maybe indeed I am really naive... Haha... She said once I did love the other person very deeply but ended he was being taken by others.. Haha.. Min
Now u dun have to tell yrself tat he gt all other reasons why he just left u in this manner.. Leaving a
Mystery for u to solve.. Haha.. No matter of how. I still have to face the truth and let go of it.. Otherwise I will not be able to start a new one.. :)

Erm.......

sha gua 有个死穴.. 其实我很怕,我没有把握会及格,无论如何我也要拼了命去考吧.. 希望我不会让大家失望..

有一个人陪了我二十六年, 最近她生病了.. 可能有一天,她会把我忘了.. 可是我一定不会忘了她曾经给我的爱.当我爸爸进医院时,是她陪在我和妈妈的生边. 每次她一定会在我们身边,遮风挡雨.. 也是应为她,我才有机会出国.. 每当我在房里时,我会想起她.. 如果有一天她真的走了,我会撑得下去吗?

wo hao bu kai xin

hahaa.. seriously acting in front of everyone, i am ok.. really looks so fake.. haha..

today my cousin told me.. she wondering whether my granny will survive thru next year chinese new year or not? hahaa.. should i be happy or should i be sad or maybe i should really ponder about this question? to me, family is very impt to me. maybe bcos from young, i am being shield from stormy days by family. she told me, once my granny pass away, we will not celebrate cny anymore. if one day, my granny pass away, will i be able to take it? or i will still be able to be professional to act as nothing happened and move on with it.

我老了，我也应该了解生死病老是常有的事。。

忘了你

忘了你， 让我从新的站起来也变得更加坚强。可是最进这些事情把我累坏了。我很贪心很想你在我身边以一个朋友的身份教教我应该如何做。Haiz.... 烦烦。。 

A Dream

最近我的伤口一直被挖开,可是我已经把他忘了,从新开始生活了.. 可是昨天的一场梦把我吓坏了.. 我梦见他和别人结婚了,也有一个幸福的家..我一直哭个不停,我是真的哭,还是在梦里哭.. 可是起来时我的眼睛好干... 其实如果当初我听了korkor 的话,说不定我现在已经得到我的幸福了.. 哈哈.. 可能,我对自己太过有信心了,以为他对我好是因为他喜欢我... 傻傻的还以为,他就是我的老公.. 哈哈... 我真的觉得我好苯,好天真.. 现在的我,没有想躲在爱人的环抱,我想躲在家里和朋友的环里.. 我是真的有很多很好的男性朋友, 可是我们都不会有开花结果的.. 因为经历了和他的事,我开始分不清什么是爱情与友情.. 而且,我没有那个美丽吸引到任何一位男人...

今年， 应该不会有那么多人陪我过生日，今年我应该会跟家里人庆祝吧。。 也会躲在genting到我生日那一天才回来跟papa度过吧。可能是应为家里这几个月家里发生了很多事，从我才一点失去了我的最爱，到她好了很多。。 是时候在家里多陪一下我爱的人。。

其实如果以前我没有假假的想知道你对我的感觉，可能我们还是好朋友。。 现在我对你的影响也开始越来越模糊了。。 我只有记得你说过的，min ai zai.. 不如老天爷，你给我一杯忘情水，把你给我的回忆洗掉，还是给我一个比你更疼爱我的人出现在我面前。。

Erm...

Erm... Nowadays my sunday are burn out. Most of the time, i will spend my time at old folks home. Time passes very fast, it had been one month she stayed there. But from her face, i can see that she is not very willingly to stay there. Not too bad, i still manage to send her mooncake on mooncake's festival. If one day, i can get marry? will she still be at my side? on last sat, i am still so proud of myself that i can finally forget about him. at this moment, suddenly feel so empty, hoping that someone will be with me.. whenever i go visit her.. although she never open her mouth asking where is my the other half, i guess she would wants me to find one and settle down.

School going to start soon, i will be more busy as compare to now. My team lead trying to pull me back to the grade that i had for this year.. i had to try harder to push for my apa if i am planning to stay in this company.. all of these will be a big question mark.. whether i will stay here till july or not..