Selfish

Maybe i had become a selfish person, i always put myself in front of others? Somehow i am a person who is not rational enough. At one moment i got a very strong urge to quit my job. But at one moment, i am touched by my bosses. They groom me up, let me learn, let me take things steps by steps. They pull me out when i am in deep shit. Do i deserve for the promotion? Seriously i don't know, my bosses kept telling me i don't meet their expectations. They expect more from me ever since of the promotion. Maybe i not use to have a more hardworking life. I need to work double harder to meet their requirements ever since the promotion. After the promotion, a lot of things had changed. Definitely, my bosses want me to put more effort in doing the stuffs. Sort of almost everyday, i sure will kana scold upside down. Maybe 4 yrs of junior life, makes me too comfortable. After these 4 days of mc, i don't know how will react when i step into office on this coming monday. Will my bosses start to question me? Or maybe i will be backstabbed? Or will i be entering office politics? Seeing what my boss wrote to another boss, makes me feel glad that i got a quite good boss. Although at times, we will bickle and argue how things should be done. As for friendship, i don't know is i screwed up or what. Somehow, i am quite sad to see the reply from my friends. Maybe old le, really become friendless. Posting the sickness on fb, is not something i want. I just want to tell them, this is the truth that i really sick till quite jialat. But somehow other pple might think i am trying to get attention. Do i want to save the friendship? Seriously, i don't know. Somehow i strongly believe friends should be build from trust. Once trust broken, i will not believe in that person anymore. When i first know you, i give u a true heart to be friends but once it is broken, i believe we will no longer be that close. Maintain as sociable friends or networking? Let time decide itself. As for family wise, of cos, i am hoping my granny will keep me accompany all the way. But somehow, i know it is impossible that she will be there for me always. I just want to try my best to make her happy and take good care of her when she is alive. I don't want next time i will regret why i let her go. Whether my friends understand or not, i don't care. Cos she is the one who is looking after me for the past 20 yrs, now is the time i do something for her. As for relationship, whenever i am down. i wlll think how good will it be, if he is there for me. Maybe as a friend ba, i seldom can find a friend that can talk so much with me. I can confide in him, no matter what happened. but now, seems like i cannot confide in anyone whenever i want to talk. Maybe bloggering is the only way to write out whatever i want.

haiz~~~

Somehow recently i feel very sian, maybe human relationship is something which i am poor at it. Dealing with friendship, my own relationship doesn't seems to work at all. Somehow, i miss her because she understand me very well. But the problem is we cannot be together. Together with her, i can eat and drink, just go very crazy.. i also dunno how to explain wat is between her. haiz~ as for another group of friends, i also dunno how to said it. To be frank, i don't like people to doubt me? or maybe i got a very temper when i am sick. Hahaha.. I also dunno.. somehow i can forget it? hahahaa.. these few days , i do miss my "sisters" but somehow i know this is wrong. Under so much pressure now, without him around me, i feel helpless but i believe i can make it through it. As for work wise, somehow i very sian. When i am push to a corner, don't come and try to ask something. cos my mind is i want to complete my stuffs, the rest of things, i dun even want to be bother or do it. =x Cruel or cold?? But this is no choice,if i dun finished my stuffs, how am i going to explain it? haiz..... very sian~~ is it time for me to change a job to start everything fresh or ????? as for relationship wise, is really a big question mark... i dun even know how to fill in the answer....

haiz~~~

haiz.... recently happened some stuffs at home.. sort of this volcano erupted, make me think that my burden will be bigger next yr.. can i pay sustain this kind of life... haiz~~ i been trying to rely on myself.. sort of i am quite touch tat day when my friend sms, telling me he is a good listener.. i know he is a good listener.. but i scare i will bcome to rely on him... so i rather i distance away... this yr birthday.. it should be a quiet birthday... sort of i also dun have much friends around me.. erm... but i will be away from singapore.. this is the first time, i am celebrating out of singapore.. is tat a celebration? dun think so ba, just a getaway... prepare myself for the challengers which i am going to endure when my boss is not around.

Lost~

Last sat when my friends started to ask me "List out ur future bf's characters", we will help u to keep a lookout. Sort of my mind become blank, somehow i really dunno how to answer to this question. I took quite long to answer this question. I didn't really think of what i want in a guy. Somehow i know that i am unlikely to find the right guy again. the characters list out are all the good points that i met in my ex bfs. seriously, maybe i am out of love for too long. I nvr tot of this question; nowadays i normally lean towards my good friends when i am down. But i know now i shouldn't lead on them too much, as both of them are attached. I should sort of find my own my life, instead of always relying on them. After that dinner, i met another group of friends. But this gathering didn't end of up well. Maybe being friends for too long, i dunno how to cherish friends? Or i cannot get along well with friends? since we nvr contacted for that past 3 yrs, i still can led my life pretty well. i believe that this time should be ok ba? She reminds me about how i screw up my friendship with my kor. hahahaa.. seriously kor treats me better than she treats me. Kor had been there for me whenever i need him except during the period he left me. "He" really give me a very impact; sort of when he leave me, my world is like collapsing, ever since, i start to build my wall to protect myself. That period i had a really tough time to hang on to it, especially my work was damn screwed up. the only ones that i leaned on were my sisters. Maybe without them, i will not be that independent till now. She had not know i survived through that 3 yrs. The worst thing is that we angry with me because i nvr become her referral. While my kor angry with me is because i never helped him to find jobs. Haha, maybe at the back of it, they didn't know i did try to help them but they jus don't want to listen it. anyway, all of us shall move, maybe one day we meet on each other on the streets, each of us will just turn around and walk the other way.

complicated

Sometimes What you want, and when you get it. You will realize that it is nothing. This year I encounter that my beloved granny n my mum admitted hospital. He been there accompany me... but it will be no ending between us, i know we are just friends.. somehow seems like i know that my heart is not clear, i doesn't seems to understand what is love. maybe the person who i love already hurt me till too deep or maybe he still have a place in my heart. but anyway if u asked me if i still remember how he looks like? i couldn't remember it at all. Anyway he is already married, it should be very happy now. i should start my happy life, should not be stopping at my that point. between who and who, i started to get confuse, now just like everything be normal, i dun want to recall anything nor remember what happened that night. ytd, someone hold my hands, but surprisingly i never push away.

I don't feel good; guess i fall sick again..

1 month ago, when i went to old folk home to visit my granny. While she was talking to us, she yawned, we asked if she wants to go up to rest. She insists of not going up to rest and stayed with us. After 5 mins, she went to unconscious. I am stunned, i faster ran up to find nurse for help. We immediately pushed upstair and nurses put on oxygen for her, she was awake but very weak. By then, my uncle already break into tears. Now then i realise life is just a thin line. From young, she always take very good care of me. I couldn't manage to get her out of old folks home. Now i going to see her slowly going to leave me. My heart is breaking, by then i realise wat he hurt me is no longer that painful. Is the tot of she leaving me is more painful, but i know i need to face the facts. Dunno if i am being too negative, but somehow i sense that she is going to leave me soon. Ah ma, wo zhen de heng ai ni. xie xie ni pei le wo na me duo nian.