My health really went haywire

Recently, i am struck with Sciatica which causes me to lose my walking disability temporary.As long as walked or sit or stand for more than 5mins, i will feel that i am going to die bcos of the unbearable pain. No matter how many types of painkillers did not solve my problem at all. My facial expressions changes whenever the pain strikes me, i only got relieve by lying down. But lying down too much, makes my muscles getting more and more lazy.. Guess i am must be crazy, the first few weeks, i been thinking that when i woke up the next day, everything will be fine. But this is not case after a few wks, i finally woke up after my sisters came over to my place and gave me scolding.. Then i finally woke up from my dream, i need to be realistic, don't runaway from it.In the end, i went to fix an appointment with the specialist again. Somehow i am glad that i got recovered before my birthday.. Guess after this incident, i learn to be stronger and slightly more independent. Last friday, when i went out dinner with my friend.. After that, we had a drink.. Somehow i sprout out my feelings... i also dunno why i said it out so much.. hahaha... guess i still dunno wat is called love.. or maybe i will not get to understand wat is love till the day i had leave this world... At first, i might feel jealous about people falling in love.. i will be thinking when will it be my turn.. slowly.. i learn to accept the fact... i might not be able to start out a new relationship... if i dun clear my tots.. I might be tot that he is the one for me previously.. but after so many yrs.. pple will tend to change.. why am i still stuck at the same position again.. At times, i might tot that.. i gt feelings for someone.. but actually is all fake ? or i did once had feelings for that person? What i want now.. Is to build back my health and cherish whatever that is around me.. If die die cannot find the one who i want.. learn to be more independent and mature plus stronger.. Bcos i had to learn to be alone....

health ..

My health seems like getting worst.. yet my mouth cannot stop me frm not eating stuffs tat will make myself happy... min arh min.... u only have one life... if u dun cherish and treasure urself, nobody can help u... recently i heard frm my friend tat his gf suffer frm stroke.. seriously i am very shock.. nvr tot tat it can happen to such young girl... now i must make a change of lifestyle.. if really.one day i really kana stroke.. my parents will have a hard time .. now is i look after them.. not they have to suffer...

Out of the suddenly i miss him

hahaaha... i guess it had been more than 8 yrs that we ever talk.... within 8 yrs, he got his career and a family yet i got nothing... plus my dearest granny also left me... Maybe if he is with me last year, he will understand how i feel? I always think that he is the only one that understand me very well and he will be the prefect one for me. But i should know, who am i ? How would be possible that he will like me? Within these 8 years, he got almost everything which i don't have. Somehow i really feel very jealous of his wife.. But i am nobody towards him.. how could he be possible still remember me... why i so foolish that till now, i still haven forget about him. Is it because i haven met someone tat can replace him? Min arh Min.. You are just an ugly duckling... forget him ba... he had never place you in his heart before... NEVER!!!

Haiz...

Ytd, i went to CGH then i realise my wound only got heal externally not internally. Being a friend, i should go there because she had been a very good pal towards me. But i didn't realize that my wound did not heal before stepping to the hospital. All those unhappy and sad memories just flash across me. When i am queueing at qiji for food, it remind me that i got her favorite coffee there. There is one night, she willing to take in my advice and finally agree to eat. That was the last time i feed her with food, she just grab a one bite of the bread and decided that she don't want. From that day onwards, i should had actually senses that she want to go, it is too painful for her to continue. Furthermore, she already know the answer where is uncle. What makes her to stay on is because she always been wanting to meet up with uncle. Yet we always lie to her that he is resting at home. But somehow during her previous stay in hospital, she had knew it already? She been waiting for my auntie to come back and see her the last time before she go away? Seriously i really make a mistake, i should not have step into CGH when my heart haven heal at all.

haiz....

Last time, i use to have two good friends who will always be at my side.. but ever since last yr xmas eve, i realise tat we had drift apart. We will nvr be tat close as last time anymore. Sad? Sort of ba.. their care and concern will not place at me anymore. Guess ah ma's death had bring very bad impact on me and my mum. Sort of now, i feel like i just want to find someone to lean on and Support me. Before going for break, i think i am being tore aoart. Trying to accomplish my work, tying to laugh in front of everyone, although my heart is bleeding like hell. All because of a word "professional". Trying to keep cool and calm.and complete the stuffs. I not sure how much i score during tat period of time. But i had to admit tat was my toughest time which i had encountered till now. I had to handle my work and emotion and the same time, tat does not include home. I really almost collaspe, hiding in my blanket cried and cried bcos of the loss of my loved one..morning had to act as if nothing happend and rushed thru all my work. Tat's was the craziest period of time. But they are nt there for me. I know is time for me to drift them further.. they doesn't belong me. Dun anyhow touch other pple's stuff.

Xmas eve till now........

Since xmas eve till now, my heart had not been peaceful but sort of getting better? After the incident, sort of been hiding myself. I wanted to do more, if we sent her to hospital, we can save her? Before CNY, i went to her grave, cried and told her i will take good care of my parents. From that day onwards, my heart become more peaceful. I started to accept the fact that she had gone. She had gone for the good. She do not need to suffer in nursing homes, don't need to suffer the pain from bedsore, don't need to suffer the pain and many more. It had been a habit for me to go visit her every sunday, if possible. During the period, she was in the crisis, my work is pile up like mad. Most of the time, i had to go back to work on sunday, i had spent little time with her. But i tried to visit her every day after work if i can. Seriously, i have no regret but i had one regret is that i never accompanied her to walk til the end of her life. I saw her before she left me, but deep in my heart, when i was on the way home. I told myself "Ah ma, i bring you home now". Does it means that i actually know that she is leaving me that night but i never said it out? She been wanting to back home, that is her last wish, did she come back home with me that day? I do hope she followed me home on that day, so that she can happily go without any worries. From young, i am a rebellious granddaughter. Every weekend, she will buy food for us. I will always throw my tantrum if the food is not nice or too cold. She had never scolded me before for that. She still continue to buy food for me, shower me with love and care. When my dad was in hospital, she accompanied me and my mum for the tough times. If without her, how can be possible, i can go travelling when i am young. When i throw my temper, i locked myself in the room. My poor ah ma will have to sleep at the sofa, but she will not knock at my door. She will till i tell her to go sleep. Bcos of her love and care, i changed as i grow. She always will nag at me but i know she did it for my good. Ah ma, i miss your nagging.. i miss hugging you to look at the scenery. i miss you a lot...... but i know you will be happier at the other side.

she left me

I know when she had already make up her mind to leave us. on sat, when i went to hospital to see her, nurses been trying very hard to stop her to pull out the tubes. We left once we saw the sad the moments. I couldn't control myself, i burst into tears when i am in the car. Sunday, as per normal, i went office first to place the xmas gifts before heading to the hospital. That day, we accompanied her quite a while before all of us head home. At night, my cousin told me, my granny is in danger. We rushed down to the hospital around 1 plus. Looking at conscious, mumbling words to us, which i dun understand at all. Looking back at my parents, i told them let's go back and even sms my cousin telling her that she is conscious, don't worry, go sleep. A few hours later, the nurses called my cousin that she had passed away. My phone did not ring at all, instead of it, i get missed call alerts. Maybe my granny dun want them to inform me, she scared i will collapse or she is angry that i nvr stayed there. If i know tat day, she will leave me. I will stay there till the moment she passed away. But if i see her passed away, i don't know how will i react.. from young till old, she always give in to me. she always endure my da xiao jie temper. i miss her a lot

Sad

7 yrs ago, he left me. 2 yrs ago, he gt married. Hahahaha.. At first, tot of he will be the one that i will marry. But ended up, there is no ending. In the first place, he dun even have any feelings with me, all along is i having crush on him. Maybe i don't know how to differentiate what is friendship and what is relationship? Just thought that i am happy can already. I just hurt that badly after i realize he had actually left me. After got drunk, i get back to myself, trying very hard to forget him. Didn't realise that i only buried him deep down in my heart. When i know that he is already someone's else husband, somehow my heart tear again. It just hurts. On last xmas eve, someone who is important to me left me. By then i realise that this hurts me more badly than the crush. Whenever i down, i hope he will be there for me. But i know he will not, friends been at my side accompanying through this hard time. At work, trying to stay control. Since i promise my boss, i will try to help her to maintain the work. But guess deep inside me, i already collapse.