erm.. it had been a long long time that i ever did a posting.. seriously.. dunno wat had changes my life.. which makes me put on weight tat terrible.. a heart tat is meant to be broken or things tat been changing ard or bcos too many things happen and i can't take it the blow or bcos i am having a gd life.. why no matter hw much pple take in.. they will nt grow in sideway.. haha.. guess i need to clear my mind le ba.. today went to meet korkor since it had been almost a year which i last since him.. haha.. :P of cos he comment a lot of things.. although.. it is a bit hurting, i know he is just to make me feel better.. ask me stop being despair..

hai~~ maybe it just remind me a past tat it shouldn't start.. if given a chance to choose again, guess i will not choose this way. i dun dare not said i was being very loyal towards him. since it is a relationship which it had never start before, why it hurts me tat deep? bcos i lose too much or bcos i can't get him? i know korkor didn't mean it to mention about him but he did.. mention him.. guess my parents knew that he and i belongs to different world, therefore mum did not mention abt anything him when i came hm. During afternoon, korkor called mummy and tell her i want a air ticket to shanghai as birthday present. i dun even know where are you, all you did was ignoring all my sms and calls.. tat was wat i did in the airport or whenever i had cold war with you.. u always tell me to go look for a bf, dun always stuck with u. therefore, i can tell you.. yeah.. i did.. but it did not turns out gd.. choose to give up in the end and return back to you.. or mayb i should said i turn back to rely on you.. or i just finding someone to cover and nt to let u discover tat i had fall for you...

these four years plus was a tuff challenge for me and for yourself ba... should said.. u been with me and let me walked thru my own door.. but do you know.. when u leave.. my door had been closing.. i dun have the courage to open my own door.. i lost myself.. i use laughter to numb myself.. i act as fool in front of everyone..agree to everything.. no tears were found in front of anyone.. guess today korkor force me too hard.. tears fall.. not bcos he suan me or critize me.. was bcos the pain kept in my heart.. i know.. i lose u nt long after my cousin passed away.. but i just dun want to admit it.. therefore we walked thru another one more year.. till u went to shanghai.. i know.. things are more worst.. jiefu.. knows i had crying almost every nite jus to get sleep.. guess my habit had gone.. when u come back.. i think i was half way with nanny ba.. i dunno why.. i.... think i step back cos i dunno wat i want le.. nanny hate me.. but he forgive me.. i know he treat me very good.. he been a very nice guy to me.. but.. i scare i will make the same mistake again.. i dun want to be hurt again.. do u know u hurt me very deep.. when my cousin passed away.. u are there.. but i hang up the calls and send stupid sms.. u will said. min arh.. pms again.. when can u tell min.. to forget u without such a painful method.. why whenever other pple mention abt u.. i feel so pain.. yet everyday i had to wear a mask.. to avoid dropping tears and the pain inside me..

on my 21th birthday, guess my parents been hoping tat u will be coming.. which is i never ask u at all cos u dun even bother abt my birthday.. and i know u won't come.. as for other pple, of cos want to see my korkor.. but he was away in indonesia.. you two are the closer pple to me but yet both of u hurts me tat deep.. one just leave whenever he like.. one just throw temper at me.. why dun both of u stand at my position once.. do u know i almost collaspe when i lose both of u.. whenever i lost, i cried.. two of you been walking with me so long.. yet now i still lose one..

i avoid going to tampines and i dun like to go to tampines.. why? i dunno hw would i react if i see u standing in front of me with your gf.. i dunno how am i going to react.. no matter is it liuying or not.. cos i dun even know.. why i feel so painful.. bcos tat i lose someone who pamper me tat much and care for me or bcos i am stubborn or bcos i fall in love with you or bcos of wat??

i lose jiefu too.. jiefu was such a nice guy who will always be at my side when i am down.. but something happened.. guess tat was the most dramatic point tat he changes to be tuff to protect himself from getting hurt.. he was badly hurt tat time.. from a rabbit i got for present to a broken vanilla vodka broken heart.. hahaha.. but i never take tat broken vanilla broken heart.. guess the faith for 4 of us had ended.. jiefu and jiejie end le.. me and him also end le.. maybe sometimes jiefu and jiejie still got contact.. sometimes me and jiejie still got talk.. sometimes jiefu and me still got talk.. (guess it was when my grandpa pass away ba.. ) as for u.. i dunno.. maybe u are in far far far away from me.. or u are so near yet so far away from me.. guess my eyes are swollen now.. cos i just finish crying.. again.. tears dropped down le..

let me face myself ba.. i know i had been hiding away frm myself... until nowaday pple telling me... limin.. u are getting worst.. pls control your diet.. hahaa... guess is time to face myself le.. dun hide le.. 1 year plus is enuff le.. watever u lose.. is over.. dun look back.. can go buffet but not trying to hide my feelings by eating.. guess i have to find some other ways to reveal stress le..

btw.. my job contract going to end abt one month time.. let me see hw ba.. today only want to post abt him.. and still him... dun want to talk abt my own personal life...