Out of the suddenly i miss him

hahaaha... i guess it had been more than 8 yrs that we ever talk.... within 8 yrs, he got his career and a family yet i got nothing... plus my dearest granny also left me... Maybe if he is with me last year, he will understand how i feel? I always think that he is the only one that understand me very well and he will be the prefect one for me. But i should know, who am i ? How would be possible that he will like me? Within these 8 years, he got almost everything which i don't have. Somehow i really feel very jealous of his wife.. But i am nobody towards him.. how could he be possible still remember me... why i so foolish that till now, i still haven forget about him. Is it because i haven met someone tat can replace him? Min arh Min.. You are just an ugly duckling... forget him ba... he had never place you in his heart before... NEVER!!!

Haiz...

Ytd, i went to CGH then i realise my wound only got heal externally not internally. Being a friend, i should go there because she had been a very good pal towards me. But i didn't realize that my wound did not heal before stepping to the hospital. All those unhappy and sad memories just flash across me. When i am queueing at qiji for food, it remind me that i got her favorite coffee there. There is one night, she willing to take in my advice and finally agree to eat. That was the last time i feed her with food, she just grab a one bite of the bread and decided that she don't want. From that day onwards, i should had actually senses that she want to go, it is too painful for her to continue. Furthermore, she already know the answer where is uncle. What makes her to stay on is because she always been wanting to meet up with uncle. Yet we always lie to her that he is resting at home. But somehow during her previous stay in hospital, she had knew it already? She been waiting for my auntie to come back and see her the last time before she go away? Seriously i really make a mistake, i should not have step into CGH when my heart haven heal at all.

haiz....

Last time, i use to have two good friends who will always be at my side.. but ever since last yr xmas eve, i realise tat we had drift apart. We will nvr be tat close as last time anymore. Sad? Sort of ba.. their care and concern will not place at me anymore. Guess ah ma's death had bring very bad impact on me and my mum. Sort of now, i feel like i just want to find someone to lean on and Support me. Before going for break, i think i am being tore aoart. Trying to accomplish my work, tying to laugh in front of everyone, although my heart is bleeding like hell. All because of a word "professional". Trying to keep cool and calm.and complete the stuffs. I not sure how much i score during tat period of time. But i had to admit tat was my toughest time which i had encountered till now. I had to handle my work and emotion and the same time, tat does not include home. I really almost collaspe, hiding in my blanket cried and cried bcos of the loss of my loved one..morning had to act as if nothing happend and rushed thru all my work. Tat's was the craziest period of time. But they are nt there for me. I know is time for me to drift them further.. they doesn't belong me. Dun anyhow touch other pple's stuff.

Xmas eve till now........

Since xmas eve till now, my heart had not been peaceful but sort of getting better? After the incident, sort of been hiding myself. I wanted to do more, if we sent her to hospital, we can save her? Before CNY, i went to her grave, cried and told her i will take good care of my parents. From that day onwards, my heart become more peaceful. I started to accept the fact that she had gone. She had gone for the good. She do not need to suffer in nursing homes, don't need to suffer the pain from bedsore, don't need to suffer the pain and many more. It had been a habit for me to go visit her every sunday, if possible. During the period, she was in the crisis, my work is pile up like mad. Most of the time, i had to go back to work on sunday, i had spent little time with her. But i tried to visit her every day after work if i can. Seriously, i have no regret but i had one regret is that i never accompanied her to walk til the end of her life. I saw her before she left me, but deep in my heart, when i was on the way home. I told myself "Ah ma, i bring you home now". Does it means that i actually know that she is leaving me that night but i never said it out? She been wanting to back home, that is her last wish, did she come back home with me that day? I do hope she followed me home on that day, so that she can happily go without any worries. From young, i am a rebellious granddaughter. Every weekend, she will buy food for us. I will always throw my tantrum if the food is not nice or too cold. She had never scolded me before for that. She still continue to buy food for me, shower me with love and care. When my dad was in hospital, she accompanied me and my mum for the tough times. If without her, how can be possible, i can go travelling when i am young. When i throw my temper, i locked myself in the room. My poor ah ma will have to sleep at the sofa, but she will not knock at my door. She will till i tell her to go sleep. Bcos of her love and care, i changed as i grow. She always will nag at me but i know she did it for my good. Ah ma, i miss your nagging.. i miss hugging you to look at the scenery. i miss you a lot...... but i know you will be happier at the other side.

she left me

I know when she had already make up her mind to leave us. on sat, when i went to hospital to see her, nurses been trying very hard to stop her to pull out the tubes. We left once we saw the sad the moments. I couldn't control myself, i burst into tears when i am in the car. Sunday, as per normal, i went office first to place the xmas gifts before heading to the hospital. That day, we accompanied her quite a while before all of us head home. At night, my cousin told me, my granny is in danger. We rushed down to the hospital around 1 plus. Looking at conscious, mumbling words to us, which i dun understand at all. Looking back at my parents, i told them let's go back and even sms my cousin telling her that she is conscious, don't worry, go sleep. A few hours later, the nurses called my cousin that she had passed away. My phone did not ring at all, instead of it, i get missed call alerts. Maybe my granny dun want them to inform me, she scared i will collapse or she is angry that i nvr stayed there. If i know tat day, she will leave me. I will stay there till the moment she passed away. But if i see her passed away, i don't know how will i react.. from young till old, she always give in to me. she always endure my da xiao jie temper. i miss her a lot

Sad

7 yrs ago, he left me. 2 yrs ago, he gt married. Hahahaha.. At first, tot of he will be the one that i will marry. But ended up, there is no ending. In the first place, he dun even have any feelings with me, all along is i having crush on him. Maybe i don't know how to differentiate what is friendship and what is relationship? Just thought that i am happy can already. I just hurt that badly after i realize he had actually left me. After got drunk, i get back to myself, trying very hard to forget him. Didn't realise that i only buried him deep down in my heart. When i know that he is already someone's else husband, somehow my heart tear again. It just hurts. On last xmas eve, someone who is important to me left me. By then i realise that this hurts me more badly than the crush. Whenever i down, i hope he will be there for me. But i know he will not, friends been at my side accompanying through this hard time. At work, trying to stay control. Since i promise my boss, i will try to help her to maintain the work. But guess deep inside me, i already collapse.

Selfish

Maybe i had become a selfish person, i always put myself in front of others? Somehow i am a person who is not rational enough. At one moment i got a very strong urge to quit my job. But at one moment, i am touched by my bosses. They groom me up, let me learn, let me take things steps by steps. They pull me out when i am in deep shit. Do i deserve for the promotion? Seriously i don't know, my bosses kept telling me i don't meet their expectations. They expect more from me ever since of the promotion. Maybe i not use to have a more hardworking life. I need to work double harder to meet their requirements ever since the promotion. After the promotion, a lot of things had changed. Definitely, my bosses want me to put more effort in doing the stuffs. Sort of almost everyday, i sure will kana scold upside down. Maybe 4 yrs of junior life, makes me too comfortable. After these 4 days of mc, i don't know how will react when i step into office on this coming monday. Will my bosses start to question me? Or maybe i will be backstabbed? Or will i be entering office politics? Seeing what my boss wrote to another boss, makes me feel glad that i got a quite good boss. Although at times, we will bickle and argue how things should be done. As for friendship, i don't know is i screwed up or what. Somehow, i am quite sad to see the reply from my friends. Maybe old le, really become friendless. Posting the sickness on fb, is not something i want. I just want to tell them, this is the truth that i really sick till quite jialat. But somehow other pple might think i am trying to get attention. Do i want to save the friendship? Seriously, i don't know. Somehow i strongly believe friends should be build from trust. Once trust broken, i will not believe in that person anymore. When i first know you, i give u a true heart to be friends but once it is broken, i believe we will no longer be that close. Maintain as sociable friends or networking? Let time decide itself. As for family wise, of cos, i am hoping my granny will keep me accompany all the way. But somehow, i know it is impossible that she will be there for me always. I just want to try my best to make her happy and take good care of her when she is alive. I don't want next time i will regret why i let her go. Whether my friends understand or not, i don't care. Cos she is the one who is looking after me for the past 20 yrs, now is the time i do something for her. As for relationship, whenever i am down. i wlll think how good will it be, if he is there for me. Maybe as a friend ba, i seldom can find a friend that can talk so much with me. I can confide in him, no matter what happened. but now, seems like i cannot confide in anyone whenever i want to talk. Maybe bloggering is the only way to write out whatever i want.

haiz~~~

Somehow recently i feel very sian, maybe human relationship is something which i am poor at it. Dealing with friendship, my own relationship doesn't seems to work at all. Somehow, i miss her because she understand me very well. But the problem is we cannot be together. Together with her, i can eat and drink, just go very crazy.. i also dunno how to explain wat is between her. haiz~ as for another group of friends, i also dunno how to said it. To be frank, i don't like people to doubt me? or maybe i got a very temper when i am sick. Hahaha.. I also dunno.. somehow i can forget it? hahahaa.. these few days , i do miss my "sisters" but somehow i know this is wrong. Under so much pressure now, without him around me, i feel helpless but i believe i can make it through it. As for work wise, somehow i very sian. When i am push to a corner, don't come and try to ask something. cos my mind is i want to complete my stuffs, the rest of things, i dun even want to be bother or do it. =x Cruel or cold?? But this is no choice,if i dun finished my stuffs, how am i going to explain it? haiz..... very sian~~ is it time for me to change a job to start everything fresh or ????? as for relationship wise, is really a big question mark... i dun even know how to fill in the answer....

haiz~~~

haiz.... recently happened some stuffs at home.. sort of this volcano erupted, make me think that my burden will be bigger next yr.. can i pay sustain this kind of life... haiz~~ i been trying to rely on myself.. sort of i am quite touch tat day when my friend sms, telling me he is a good listener.. i know he is a good listener.. but i scare i will bcome to rely on him... so i rather i distance away... this yr birthday.. it should be a quiet birthday... sort of i also dun have much friends around me.. erm... but i will be away from singapore.. this is the first time, i am celebrating out of singapore.. is tat a celebration? dun think so ba, just a getaway... prepare myself for the challengers which i am going to endure when my boss is not around.

Lost~

Last sat when my friends started to ask me "List out ur future bf's characters", we will help u to keep a lookout. Sort of my mind become blank, somehow i really dunno how to answer to this question. I took quite long to answer this question. I didn't really think of what i want in a guy. Somehow i know that i am unlikely to find the right guy again. the characters list out are all the good points that i met in my ex bfs. seriously, maybe i am out of love for too long. I nvr tot of this question; nowadays i normally lean towards my good friends when i am down. But i know now i shouldn't lead on them too much, as both of them are attached. I should sort of find my own my life, instead of always relying on them. After that dinner, i met another group of friends. But this gathering didn't end of up well. Maybe being friends for too long, i dunno how to cherish friends? Or i cannot get along well with friends? since we nvr contacted for that past 3 yrs, i still can led my life pretty well. i believe that this time should be ok ba? She reminds me about how i screw up my friendship with my kor. hahahaa.. seriously kor treats me better than she treats me. Kor had been there for me whenever i need him except during the period he left me. "He" really give me a very impact; sort of when he leave me, my world is like collapsing, ever since, i start to build my wall to protect myself. That period i had a really tough time to hang on to it, especially my work was damn screwed up. the only ones that i leaned on were my sisters. Maybe without them, i will not be that independent till now. She had not know i survived through that 3 yrs. The worst thing is that we angry with me because i nvr become her referral. While my kor angry with me is because i never helped him to find jobs. Haha, maybe at the back of it, they didn't know i did try to help them but they jus don't want to listen it. anyway, all of us shall move, maybe one day we meet on each other on the streets, each of us will just turn around and walk the other way.

complicated

Sometimes What you want, and when you get it. You will realize that it is nothing. This year I encounter that my beloved granny n my mum admitted hospital. He been there accompany me... but it will be no ending between us, i know we are just friends.. somehow seems like i know that my heart is not clear, i doesn't seems to understand what is love. maybe the person who i love already hurt me till too deep or maybe he still have a place in my heart. but anyway if u asked me if i still remember how he looks like? i couldn't remember it at all. Anyway he is already married, it should be very happy now. i should start my happy life, should not be stopping at my that point. between who and who, i started to get confuse, now just like everything be normal, i dun want to recall anything nor remember what happened that night. ytd, someone hold my hands, but surprisingly i never push away.

I don't feel good; guess i fall sick again..

1 month ago, when i went to old folk home to visit my granny. While she was talking to us, she yawned, we asked if she wants to go up to rest. She insists of not going up to rest and stayed with us. After 5 mins, she went to unconscious. I am stunned, i faster ran up to find nurse for help. We immediately pushed upstair and nurses put on oxygen for her, she was awake but very weak. By then, my uncle already break into tears. Now then i realise life is just a thin line. From young, she always take very good care of me. I couldn't manage to get her out of old folks home. Now i going to see her slowly going to leave me. My heart is breaking, by then i realise wat he hurt me is no longer that painful. Is the tot of she leaving me is more painful, but i know i need to face the facts. Dunno if i am being too negative, but somehow i sense that she is going to leave me soon. Ah ma, wo zhen de heng ai ni. xie xie ni pei le wo na me duo nian.

Recently

Recently, things doesn't really go tat right again. Seem like this year, is a not a good year for me. Things just happen one after one. Somehow before I go tw, I want to ensure that my parents can survive well and take gd care of themselves while I am away home for 11 days. Maybe bcos of my bad experience in hk, some of sort of I am Quite afraid of going oversea with friends yet I want to try how it feel to go with friends. With friends, u will have the freedom of buy Wat without someone nagging at u. Yet if u go with mummy, u will have to be a big girl Looking after her. Hopefully I will not screw up this 10 yrs of friendship. Maybe I am a person who is hard to get along? Haiz... At work wise, nothing seems to be right.. Hahaha.. I can sense tat me and my colleagues actually drift further. Hahaha.. Time to find another job? Seems tat this pay can no longer support Wat I need. So maybe I should look for something else tat can offer me better As for relationship wise, I heard that he gt married recently. I am Happy for him, that he gt married. It been like more than 6 yrs, Hw can I haven forget a person yet. At tat point, when I heard tat he gt married. I start to recall how nice is to me. Maybe bcos in ugly duckling life, she dun have such a guy who look after her before? No any other guys treat her tat well, so even though she knows tat he dun love her at all. She dragged a 3 yrs ties with him.. Mayb tat's why after I heard the news, I did depress for quite sometime.. Maybe brothers they all had replaced him and Justin's position in my heart. But I will nvr forget their kindness towards me. As for home wise, granny been wanting to go home. Haiz... Hopefully she can understand that not we don't want to brim her home. Is we cannot look after her at home. Sometimes life is tat cruel. When u want to go, yet the heaven want u to stay. Sometime seeing the poor ladies, I was thinking why not let them go. But if I let her go, my heart will be into pieces. Such a big dilemma. Haiz.. Why things just work the way they Used to be? Sometimes maybe to be a kid is better than to be an adult.

It had been quite a while

Yesterday morning, i had a nightmare that scare me out of my bed in the morning. Although i suppose to meet my friend in the morning for breakfast and helped him to settle some study stuffs, ended up i push the meeting from 9.30am to 10.30am. A few years ago, these two persons who i saw in my nightmare were the most important people in my life. But at this moment, they are no longer important to me. Or rather i should say that i am no longer important to them. Everyone leading a good life now, why should i still look backward about what had happened? Or is a hint telling me something not good going to happen? Recently, i had slow down my pace at work. What happened to me? Somehow, i lose my motivation and passion at work, i no longer worked that hard. But yet i am afraid i will lose my job. Without a job, i guess i will no longer be able to provide for the homes money for my mum nor be able to survive through. I start with a pathetic pay in 2005, yet at this moment, my pay is still not fantastic but i still cannot be able to survive through with what i had now. What happened to me, last time i can barely survive with that amount yet now i can't? Because of the bad economy or inflation or i had started to look at stuffs that are much more expensive? Maybe i know even at the end of the year, i will still not be able to meet my boss's expectation to get promote. No matter how hard i try to work, i will never be able to get recognize by my bosses. What is the point of working so hard? Maybe i am stupid, so i need to work harder to get a 3 as compare to others. Or i had limitation using in my language for communication. I guess i need to buck up on my english vocabulary in order to push me up for the promotion. As for relationship wise, i don't dare to think too far. I had been out of love for quite a long period of time. I don't even know what is the feeling to be in love again. Now i only want a peaceful life, i will know i will lonely at a time when my parents left me but this is parts and parcel of life. now i am contented to live under the care and love shower by my parents. Somehow, love and career doesn't work well for me at this moment. But i will try harder to make my career work. While for love, nothing can be force. Opps, somehow i am disappointed that such a good catch is already taken. But too bad, i am not someone who will approach first. haha.. even if i will make the first move, don't think he will like me also. hahaha.. when will an ugly ducking turn to be a swan? that will only appear in fairy tale. I should concentrate to be a career woman instead of thinking so much. As for my granny, she is still the same. Sounds contradicting but somehow i still wish i can meet the correct one and bring him to show her. I hope she will be able to see that day before she leave me. Ah ma, without you, i will never be able to be who i am now. I am grateful to you, without your love, i guess i will be a different person and head a different path.

My tears rolled down last nite

After so long, I had lost contact with k... This is the first time someone makes me cry... Should I be happy or should I be sad.. K had no longer had a place in my heart.. Somehow this person had slowly taken over his place, jus tat I did not notice it? Bcos he had been always there for me... Or I am jus being emotional.. Seems like I need to siam him far far away... I dun wan to get hurt... Since I know this is going to be a no ending road, why should I still continue.. Sometimes friend is still a friend.. Dun ever mix up a friend with a lover... friend is friend.... lover is lover... Maybe if Ytd nite, I dun meet up with him... At least I won't feel so bad ba? I think this time round, I had hide it away till very good... My tears only roll down when I reached hm and hide in the room... Luckily it didn't last me tat long ba... Maybe i will take a shorten time to forget him than I used to forget k?

Last nite I was telling my friend, maybe I go tw.. I will create a miracle, find a tw Bf bacK.. At least that will
Be the confirm ending between us.. he can busy entertain her... I can keep
Myself busy accompany my Bf... Then at least my feelings toward should be able to
Fade it as time passby.....

Jealousy? Or being kpo?

Sort of I feeling very angry abt last nite... So long I nvr had this kind of feeling again on the same guy... This is crazy... Is it bcos I too concern for this friend or I fall in love with this guy? Do I bother? I am very shy towards my relationship.. But sort of nowadays I slightly dare to admit a bit.. When my friend asked me a question who I will choose.. I told
Them a name.. Hahaha.. Guess they will stun too.. Of course I will want to find a guy who will dotes me and shower me with love and care... I am like a baby.. I think I am a very easily contented woman..

This Yr, I went to fortune teller regarding abt two matters, one of them is regarding about work, while
Another one is abt relationship. She told me I dun have any special feelings with them.. I think maybe she wants to indirectly tell
Me they will not be interested in me.. Otherwise I won't feel tat uncomfortable. I sort of had a quarrel with one
Of them last nite, and I jus walk off with my friend.. I still tot my friends they all will
Mistaken my relationship with her.. But none of them
Asked.. Neither did he SMS me anythig regarding abt last nite... Hahaha.. Being concern as friend, I asked him to
Go.. Dun drink le.. Yet he dun even bother.. Then i just walked off... Why should I still stand there being kpo.. Furthermore, I also gt a curfew to keep..

Guess is time to keep myself away frm these two friends.. After next sat's birthday celebration, I must Siam
Liao.. I dun mix up my feeling with neither one of them.. Otherwise I will be so dead.. Or I jus dun want to get myself hurt.. Anyway they jus treat me as friend.. Why should I care and bother so much?

Career Woman or ??

Erm... Am i a career woman? Actually i am not but i know i must find ways to try to improve my pay. Otherwise how can i afford to support my parents. Seriously started to feel so scary as my parents growing older each day. Do i have enough money for them if they are hospitalise? Do i have enough money if my dad retired? Do i have enough money if one day my parents need to stay in nursing home? There is nothing the government can do for us. All the bills are increasing tremendously high. If i have a normal pay person, i can't support my parents.

Hahaha :D

Kekeke... I had sort of my tots.. Lalala.. Tat kind of feelings I had for him is superficial... Otherwise next wk complimentary movie tickets, I will ask him to accompany me to attend.. Hahaha... Instead of him, I had asked a friend to accompany me to watch it with me.. Hahahaha...

Sometimes friend will just maintain as friends...

CRAZY

I had a breakdown in office on monday, at first i thought i will be able to stay in my current company till i retired but guess now this option is not in my list. Walk out of the meeting room, will cause me to lose a chance for promotion or i will always be a developer. Forever staying a developer will makes my pay remain the same. Nothing changes. Haiz.. Seems like after bonus, i will have to find another job.

As for at home, nothing changes much, nowadays i will be spending more time with my cousins and at home. What happened recently shocked all of us. Even my auntie is flying back from aus, normally she will only come back a few yrs. Nowadays she flew back quite often. haiz~~ life is short, should learn to cherish things. cos u will nvr wat happened next.

As for relationship, hahahaa.. i also dunno.. is it bcos i feeling low, that's why i gt this kind of feelings. Tat day, seriously i not drunk before i head to st james. maybe just high ba... wahahaha.. :D i trying to pull his hand and another girl hand together.. hahaha... if one day they hand in hand together, i also dunno maybe i will feel happy for him or ...................i will not let my relationship ended hw my previous relation ended. Most likely, i will stand away, wait till i am more clear minded. hahahaa, base on that day, if he drove me home instead of st james, i will love this person.. hahaha.. but he drove me to st james, which means i am nothing to him... hahaha... find a way to forget him ba..

ytd, i went out with my cousins they all. My aunt looks very stone and very sian. Within 3 wks, you lost a brother and husband, nobody will understand how she felt. She is just trying to act strong in front of everyone of us. Cos she needs to take care of 2 kids. Will i encounter 3 adults cried in my aunt's hotel room later? haiz~~~

The most scarily month that i ever had in my life

3 weeks after my uncle's funeral, we stepped into another funeral. Can't imagine that is happening to us again. The families getting smaller and smaller. People just go like this. My uncle been staying at NUH for 8 or 9 days. The last two days, he admitted to ICU. First time, i stepped into ICU, seeing how people struggle their life to survive. This time round, is so sudden. Last sunday, i went to see him with my mum. He was still ok, he still smile at me. This week, i am attending his funeral. Looks like is a joke or a drama in life. How can be possible one by one just left us within a month. Seriously i doubt i can take another blow so soon. Hahaha, that day my granny was still telling me, she wants to go. Cos her eyes are very painful. Now i really dunno how to react. If 3 weeks down the road, i going to attend funeral again. I doubt i will have the stamina to survive through, maybe i should say thanks to someone. Maybe without him training me to be that strong, i doubt i will be that strong. Now wat i can do is to look after my the families.

Seriously, i really doubt the standard that hospital provides. How can a small wound become so serious? How can a small wound become a killer? How a small wound become heart attack? If the doctors start to cure his leg first before asking him to go for this and that scan, maybe things will not be that serious?

Just now i saw my cousin, looking at her graduation photo and stone. I felt so sad.

I started to look back at my life, i feel that the most happiest birthday that i ever had is on my 21th birthday where everyone are there to celebrate with me.. Such a pity that i never took photos.

My auntie and uncle are actually my godmother and godfather.

lao tian ye.. pls.............