........ sian.. i dunno wat happened to me... tomorrow is going to have 2 papers of Common Test but till now i still haven study... what is going on with me?? where is my determination... i dunno why.. today when i was in the bus.. tears suddenly falls down my cheek... i act as if nothing had happend.. and fall asleep... last semester.. i struggled through my exams by telling myself i can never give up... in aus.. there is someone who is struggling so hard to survive.. while you leh.. how can u give up hope.. but now... he is gone... i dunno why i am so sad... but i cannot express it out... i feel very painful... everyday seems like wearing a mask.... it is so tiring.. when i reach home... i cannot not cry anymore... cos granny at my house.... how can i cry... and let her sense something is not right.. this sunday, i going to uncle's house... bcos of grandpa's death aniversary... to me.. it seems like to be grandpa and cousin... i really try my best.. i give in to everyone.. i really trying very hard... not to let pple know.. how painful i feel... trying to act mature.. trying to act as if nothing had happened.. who really understand me... i can tell everyone i am fine.. but i know i am lying... this few days.. i went out with my friends... they xXxxxXx.. i also Xxxxxxxx.... but every nite when i reached home.. i sense that someone is beside me... telling me... don't smoke.. it is not good for health.. you promise yourself that you will looking after my grandma... plus everyone in the family... how can u let them disappointed... you are the only child.. u must stand up stronger than anyone in the family.. everyone dote you so much.. dun let them disappointed.... i really hope i won't let you all disappointed... i dunno why... sometimes i wondering is my tears fake.. i cry bcos i wants to gain sympathy... or i really cry from the bottom of my heart.. i feel so painful... can someone tell me what to do....