N73 incident~~

Erm.. Bcos of one phone.. i am damn fed up with one of my colleague. I am thinking WTH~!~ what phone am i using is also none of your business.. Dun tell me bcos i am working there.. tat's why i can't buy things i like. Pls lor~~ i had been considering it,since long time ago. Although i knows is expensive, yet i still can buy it. This is an act of extravagant. Normally the value of the phone will drop very fast, why do you need to buy such an expensive one. To me, i always think my cousins are much more mature than me. They can differentiate what is NEEDS and WANTS~ This is very impt in life. IF you can't differentiate what you wants and what you needs.. You might be just leading an empty shell with no soul cos you haven found exactly wat you wants.. You just lead a life because you had to.. NOT bcos u had a choice to choose.. This is what my boss told me during a handover session from a colleague who coach me when i am having difficulties. Now she had requested to be in another team, while i had to take over her stuffs. Seriously i know is going to be a big challenge for me. I no longer only face internal user, i might need to face external parties questions and bcome the front end support. Normally i will only need to answer to internal users, my job is just to sit down and relax to find a solution for the problem. If can't finish it, just delay.. User dun really will pressurize you. But now the company had changed, every week you had to finish 2 incidents. Sometimes to me is impossible, maybe bcos i dun feel to do it.. i got no motivation to push me.. only at the very last min, i will rush thru.. But i know i had improved.. from someone who i dunno to do anything.. to someone can do it.. just have to give me some more time to prove that i can make it.. Boss just said i dun have the confident~~ but give me sometime ba... i really scare i will give wrong information.. then i might just ruin my company reputation.. As when u grows up, you need to have the responsible for work.. Cos sometime just one small mistake, you might be just creating a big problem.. You might not be the only to be affect, there a lot of pple down the stream to be impact.. I wanted to tell boss i can't take over her stuffs.. The only answer boss gave to me.. : "Can i said no to my director?" Haiz~~ i had no choice given at all, just to accept it.. Whether i can make it or not.. Just give them to judge me ba~~ Whether will i be given a chance to renew my contract or tat's the end of my service~~ in a few more mths time, i will know the answer le..

As for health~~ This year nothing seems to be smooth for me~~ Starting of the year bcos of ear problem.. I went to changi hospital to see specialist.. While these few months, my back become a big problem for me~~ Even my doctor in charge suggest me to go for x-ray. He even wrote a reference letter for me~~ I had been complaining to one of my colleague regarding it.. She said.. "Aiyah~~ maybe you quit le.. your back will be ok le~~" I wondering is it bcos of stress that leading to my back to be that serious.. But currently i am quite busy with work and my life~~ dun think i can settle down to make an appointment to go for x-ray.. how will it turn out to be~~ seriously i just dun want to think abt it~~ mum scared might bcos of nerver problem tat causing it to become so serious.. but my doctor said is of inflammation.. watever~~ i had to cut down on vigourous exercise cos i afraid i might not be able to walk next time.. haha.. too permissive le.. I know how bad my back can go to an extreme where i can't even move at all and just lay at the bed.. But it feels painful also...

I met nanny last weekend.. I saw him and his gf, while i went out with my two gay friends~ A bit really surprised.. Luckily he never saw what happened before that.. But i will not reveal what is it~~ hahaa.. Nanny.. dun need to guess le.. Neither of them are my bfs~~ I said before i got a lot of close guy friends.. doesn't mean that i go out with them, they must be my bf arh~~ we are just close buddies~~ of cos my gay friends will ask who is he lah~~ a normal reaction cos they a bit kpo.. mayb bcos i seldom talked abt my own personal life ba~~ Maybe i am just being very petty ba~~ i hate nanny from the moment when.... Ever since he got a gf.. we did not meet up anymore~~ we seldom keep in contact.. i did got ask him out for a few times but got rejected bcos he need to accompany his gf.. seriously.. for me is ok.. i am not angry bcos of that.. cos i know is normal.. when a guy gt gf or a woman gt bf, their partners will be always the priorty instead of friends.. There was a day.. so called i am itchy fingers.. I msn someone who i know i shouldn't.. But the answer i got was hurting~~ Actually is not consider as hurting.. just that i feel is hurting.. When someone said he is good with his life.. why should it be hurting.. you should be happy for him.. But i just dunno why tears just roll off.. maybe i stop giving myself excuses.. he left me is bcos of illness or etc.. . finding an excuses and not facing the truth.. seriously.. tat day i am down.. i went drinking with my gd friends.. neither did i cry.. i listen to my friend complaining abt her bf~~ i dunno why.. is it bcos i am being strong.. tat i dun cried in front of my buddies~~ but when i am walking back to home.. i cried.. tears just roll off.. my heart feel so painful.. i walking aimlessly.. i dunno who should i find.. seems like i bcome friendless sia~~ i sms nanny.. but seriously i just hate tat kind of attitude.. ever since that day... i never msg him.. even block him on msn.. haha.. childish hor.. but seriously.. when u are down... watever thing.. u just dun care le~~~ i called mao mao~~ i cried le~~ Mao mao told me.. girl~~ u still got hw many years to waste~~ dun hold on to a past tat doesn't belong to you... His gf also said that to me~~ maybe without them tat nite.. i dun even know where i am going to hide my feelings~~ So that day i being very frank, i told nanny.. is so conincident to see you here but is my unlucky day to meet you. NEXT TIME, DUN CALL ME EVEN U SEE ME~~ WE NO LONGER FRIENDS~~~ am i being too frank~~ just cut short my friend list with another name... sad.. min arh~~ your friends really getting lesser le lah~~~ pretend is only in front of work.. not in front of friends.. if in front of your friends.. u still need to act or wear a mask~~ dun u feel tired.. everyday u had to wear a mask.. when can u be yourself..

as for home~~~ tat day i had a dream~~~ i dreamt of my granny.. i told k before.. if i am going to lose her.. means tat will be the day i collaspe.. when i am very young.. she tends to stay at my house during weekend... every weekend morning.. she will go down and buy food for me where a lot of pple also knows that~~ but i will wake up very late~~ when food bcome cold.. i will throw temper and dun want to eat~~ as time passes.. i slowly change le.. where my family members think that i had grown up le.. knows hw to take care of the family.. .think of other pple.. When u are the single child, you will tends to think abt your future.. I must grow up bcos they need me to take care of them.. i must be strong.. just like wat i did during my grandpa funeral.. i told myself i cannot cried... i had to take care of my dad.. but every nite, i hide inside my room and cried~~ i also very emotional.. who can lends me a shoulder to cry on? At the very last day of the funeral.. tears did not flows down as normal.. is only when i push myself to think back the past.. my tears rolled down le.. in the end, i still need daddy to comfort me~~ but ended up.. office bcome a place where i cried~~

Grandpa~~ He died last year april due to cancer~~ When i am not even one year old, i moved this place where i called home.. When i am young, i tends to be very close with him~~ When i am in primary school, he will be the one picking me up at downstair, bring me to ah-ma's house for dinner.. on friday, he will bring me along to fetch my cousins to come over to stay.. when i am sick, he will bring me to see doctor.. Sometimes during weekend, he will bring us out.. maybe a swim at downtown east or tanjong rhu.. When i am in primary four.. ah ma fell down, had to stay at mt alexandra.. tat day i accompanied ah gong at hospital till late nite then i went back to ah ma's house.. can't deny... i am very happy during cny every year when i am young.. cos ah gong will always give each of us $100.. Maybe bcos of this kind of lifestyle.. lastime looks much more slimmer.. cos go exercise everytime.. sometimes even play soccer with my cousins at void deck.. during sec school, when i forget to bring money or dun have enuff money, i will go market ask him for money.. haha.. he always give me more than enuff.. The day before he died, i went to hospital with parents to visit him.. bcos ever since the chinese new eve dinner.. i had not seen him.. Tat day, i am very sick.. down with cough, flu, sore throat and fever.. Furthermore the day before, i met yy they all for steamboat at marina bay~~ That was the lastime i went there.. I still can remember vividly.. cos i spolit a chair over there.. i dunno why the chair just cracked~~ then i feel so paiseh~~ The day i saw him, was much more worst than cny's eve.. at the moment, i am the only grandchild there..most of my uncles and aunties were there except my second uncle.. Being too sick of me, i do not want to stay at the ward for too long.. i went in and out.. bcos myside was already a germ carrier... He can't even move tat much.. After i left hospital, i met up with bulldog, win, ant and sy.. We went fish & co... and we left for pool session~~ tat was when ant told me he and his gf problem~~ the next day when i wake up.. mum told me abt it~~ she told me that my dad cried when he heard the news~~ my grandpa was choke to death bcos of a cake.. The nurse should knows that he cannot eat that.. I dunno whether is it a relieve to him or etc...... When i reached there, they were not back from hospital.. Granny just sitting there mumbling.. "Why he just leave like this.. ytd when we saw him.. he was still ok... " crying.. Seriously.. when someone had be with you more than 50 years~~ where love had bcome habit.. where someone will hold your hands when both of u are out for dinner with a group of your children and grandchildren.. He will cook for you when you are busy.. He will be there for you when you need him to be there. He might not be a prefect husband nor father nor grandpa.. He will have his own good points too~~ After he left, i seldom go to granny's house le.. Maybe only cny ba.. this year i didn't even attend any family dinner~~ when it happened to have a family dinner.. most likely, i will be on a trip..

as for my cousin~~ Min lives in this world for 23 years.. She only met her cousin twice in her lifetime.. I went to Australia in 1994 with my uncle, auntie, cousin, grandma,mum and me~~ We took SIA flight and reached perth 2plus in the morning~ We got checked in to Perth international Hotel. Ard 5 plus in the morning, mum waked up all of us which bcos she tot we were late for the iternery. There was day where aunt brought all the adults to casino, while only left the four of us. He brought us to zoo, curtin uni(where he studies), rent vcd.. While he explaining abt his uni directory.. i am sleeping inside the car.. He got dangerous driving skill sia~~ but it was fun~~ only just the four of us.. Tat time his sis was not that quiet as now.. We rent a nun movie.. not to mention.. i fell asleep halfway thru the movie.. even though is a comedy movie.. The next day morning.. He taught me how to play tennis.. Tat was the first time and also the last time i touched tennis.. He said.. aiyo.. luckily u never spolit the pot of flowers.. Before i left aus, aunt tell mum.. Erm.. nextime can let her come alone mah.. i will come here to fetch her.. Min won't deny.. They had been very concern abt me since i am young.. They dotes me a lot... maybe this made me to change to focus on family.. The second time i saw korkor.. .was the last time le.. that time he was very sick le.. but just trying his best to accomdate us.. after dinner still offered me ice-cream.. cos he said i am still too young to drink wine~~ He said only above 30 yrs old women knows hw to appreciate red wine~~ tat's why i can only eat ice-cream.. not long after the dinner, he went to bed le... 1 year later.. his condition got worst.. he just passed away.. at tat time none of us were in aus.. i didn't send him for his last journey.. i kept my tears away at home.. I knew the news on sat morning where i still need to go back to cartel to work in the evening time.. actually i dun really feel like working tat day.. i told k in the morning.. he didn't said much tat morning.. just kept very slient regarding this matter.. didn't want to make any comments.. I suppose to end work at 11pm.. But i tot the duty went haywire again.. Therefore i worked till 12 plus or 1am.. I went down to selegie to meet da jie da and niao niao for drinking session.. I had an empty stomach before i drink.. After that we went to mr bean for supper.. Tat nite i suppose to meet up with nanny they all. But i did not turn up.. After i had my supper.. i took a cab home.. nanny found me.. hahaa.. comedy sia~~ that nite he saw was the day nite i got drunk where my heart breaks into pieces.. i went back to vomit out.. and took a bath before i sleep.. After he passed away.. i told myself.. i had to grow up and give k up.. to take care the family.. i will be there whenever my cousin needs me...

3 years later.. will i go back to aus.. if i really go.. i will go for a long break~~ maybe just like my primary school friend.. when she leave sg.. she will leave for one month.. and sliently.. only at the point she wants to departure.. then she will call you.. telling you that she is at the airport. haha.. of cos at family side point of view... they will wants me to go over.. but.. it shall depends on my leave.. i admitted my work took away a lot of my time.. i seldom spent time with family nowadays.. most of the time will be sleeping thru weekend or had to work..

as for relationship.. dear.. thanks for your trusts toward me..